The Art To Answering Women’s Questions
November 13, 2007
(Photo by sebastian.yepes.in)
I once attended a seminar by John Gray, best-selling author of Man are from Mars, Women are from Venus. John shared with us how man and woman are wired differently from a psychological perspective, and therefore communicate in very different manners.
During the seminar, John asked for two married man as volunteers; David was married only for 3 months, and Peter was married for 12 years. John asked both men the following question:
John: “Let’s say there’s one evening where you are going to attend a formal dinner or function together. You are dressed in your suit, reading the newspaper while waiting for your wife to doll up. She appears at the doorway, dressed in a fabulous pink gown. Your wife holds up two pair of heels; one white, one pink, and she says, ‘Honey, which pair of shoes looks good on me?’ What do you say?”
David (3 months married): “I will say choose the pink one.”
John: “Why…?” (Throwing naughty glances at the audience)
David: “Because it matches the color of the dress.”
John: “Wrong answer! (Turning to Peter) What would you say Peter?”
Peter (12 years married): “I will say ‘You look fabulous in any of them, Honey’”
John: “Correct!” (The audience burst into laughter and applauded Peter’s answer…)
HANDLING WOMEN’S QUESTIONS – MEN’S FRUSTRATIONS
The challenge between man-woman communications is that we don’t appreciate the differences between man and woman. The tendency is to expect the other party to communicate the way that we do. So when the other party fails to communicate on a similar wavelength, there is a lot of potential misunderstandings and frustrations.
Handling women’s questions is one such common frustration for men. It seems that no matter what answer we give, it doesn’t satisfy our lady.
In the above example, no matter which color David chooses, his wife will say “you mean I don’t look good in the other color?” Either answer sets us up for a tough situation.
That’s because you have not learned the art of handling women’s questions, which is what I will touch on today.
MEN AND WOMEN’S APPROACHES TO QUESTIONS
Men have a tendency to approach a question with a solution. To men, a question is a problem that’s begging to be solved. So the natural inclination is to find the most logical answer to the question.
If you are a man, this is a deadly inclination that must be corrected if you want to leave good impressions with the women in your life.
Women approach questions differently. When women ask a question, they are not necessarily seeking an answer. Women may also use questions to:
- Seek appreciation and assurance.
- Make an indirect statement.
I will elaborate on each briefly.
SEEK APPRECIATION AND ASSURANCE
Back to John Gray’s example, do you think that the wife is really interested in her husband choice of shoes? Of course not! In fact, the wife has already made up her mind about what she wants to wear.
On a special evening, any women will want to look fabulous. By asking about the shoes, she’s actually expecting her husband to check her out and shower her with compliments about how great she looks. If you read between her lines, the real question is this case should be “Honey, do I look great?”
By asking a question, it doesn’t mean she has no answer. She usually has; but she may not be very sure about it. So she asks a question to confirm, but not in a direct way.
Women are not as confrontational as men usually are. By using direct questions to ask if you agree with her, it’s easy to end up in an agree-or-disagree kind of confrontational position.
So she circumvents it by phrasing it as an indirect question which asks for your opinion, instead of asking if you agree with her.
MAKING AN INDIRECT STATEMENT
Woman also uses questions to make indirect statements. The motivation for this is the same; avoid a confrontation stance that direct statements usually bring.
This is something that I learned from my wife. The following typical conversation between me and my wife will illustrate my point.
Wife: “Darling, what are we having for dinner, Chinese or western?”
Lawrence: “Let’s have western meal.”
Wife: “What about Chinese meal?”
Lawrence: “I prefer western.”
Wife: “You want western meal. How about Chinese?”
Lawrence: “No, western is good.”
Wife: “Are you sure you don’t want Chinese meal?”
At this point, most guys will go crazy and start pulling your hair. You said you want western meal and you have even repeated the answer; why is she still asking the obvious?
That’s where you don’t understand women. You see, in the first place, she already has a preference in mind. She wants Chinese meal! When you state western, she uses a question to make her point known while avoiding a direct disagreement. At the same time, she’s hoping that you’ll be smart enough to get her hint.
However, most guys just don’t get it, and ends up thinking that women either have hearing problem or they are plain stupid. Now, see who’s really the stupid one?
THE ART OF ANSWERING WOMEN’S QUESTIONS
Handling women’s questions skillfully is more of an art than a science. Like all art, it takes some experiences to get good at it (that’s why men who are married for many years usually fare better). However, the following points should get you started onto successful communications with women:
- Understand that men and women are different - I hope that you understand this by now. Otherwise, what have you been reading?
- A woman’s question does not necessarily need an answer - suppress your urge to throw the most logical and direct answer back at her. Suppress the urge to make her understand you. Understand her first. It’s not about you, it’s about HER.
- Understand what she is really trying to ask – You have got to be sensitive to what she is saying and not saying. Read between the lines and listen for the REAL question:
- Pay attention to her emotional state.
- Pay attention to her non-verbal cues like body language, voice tone.
- Pay attention to her reactions to your words.
- Phrase your answer and reply accordingly OR throw a question back at her to elicit more information.
- Repeat steps 2 to 4 until she knows you understand her. You’ll know it when you reach that stage. It’ll manifest in many forms; a kiss, or a hug, or a wink, or a smile… get the idea?
It seems like a lot of steps, but essentially it’s just one thing: pay attention to her. If you pay enough attention to her and raise your awareness about what’s going on in the conversation, all the non-verbal messages and signs will start making sense to you. It’s not that difficult, really.
END MEN’S FRUSTRATIONS – TACKLE THOSE QUESTIONS LIKE A TRUE GENTLEMAN
Good communication is the foundation for good relationships. As difficult as it may seem, the art of answering women’s questions is actually quite straightforward once you are trained in the art.
End your hair-pulling frustrations about tough questions and why women don’t understand your straightforward answers. Do this by understanding them first, and become a gentleman that every lady will enjoy a conversation with. Raise above the crowd and shine like a star.
Men, send this article to your guy friends and end their frustrations today.
Women, if you are reading this, wouldn’t it be good for your man to understand what you’re asking? (Forward this to your man today)
RECOMMENDED READINGS:
- 5 Tips for Empathetic Listening - LifeHacks.org
- How to Really Listen To Someone - Think Simple, Be Decisive
- 8 Ways to Show Your Husband You Love Him - A Miracle A Day
- How To Make Your Relationship Unshakable - 7 Pillars Of Strong Relationships - A Miracle A Day
- 8 Keys to a Happier Marriage - ZenHabits
Nice article, Lawrence. Something we all need to remember. And, from the female side of things, smart women will have figured out that if we just need to talk to vent, or talk to hear our own thoughts out loud, or talk to be reassured - we should either a. announce that intention before we begin the conversation OR b. talk to our girlfriends, so we don’t drive our poor husbands crazy.
Hi Andrea,
It seems like you are one of those enlightened ladies who is trained in the Art of Conversing with Men. Your husband is a lucky man.
Indeed, it works both ways. Both Men and Women need to understand that we are wired differently and adjust our communication styles accordingly. That’ll be the best form of communication for good relationships.
Hahahaha… Lawrence, this is awesome. I’m sending this link to my partner.
Very well written and true in many cases.
However, like Andrea commented above, if you’re a female who is aware and educated in the areas of emotions and relationships, she’ll know how to communicate with men in a direct manner.
I took several courses early this year with Alison Armstrong, she’s an expert in relationships and how to make peace between men and women. I should write a follow up article for Women on how to communicate with men.
Love & Gratitude,
Tina
Think Simple. Be Decisive.
Hi Tina,
Another lady trained in the Art of Conversing with Men. Good for you too!
I do agree with you as well (please see my comments to Andrea above).
Great idea on writing a followup article! I was actually hoping someone, a lady preferably, will take up this task to speak from a lady’s perspective. That’ll compliment this so well. Thanks for reading my intention. No one is more suited to doing this than you. I’m really anticipating to read what you’ll write, and I will look out for it.
Hi Lawrence and also the other commentators!
Can you believe that there are actually women who do not start conversations like that at all!
I would never ask my husband about shoe colours because I really don’t think he can provide me with an answer to the original question and my questions have no other hidden meanings. This goes to women also, probably my daugter is the only one who could answer right and honestly.
In our house my husband asks which tie to wear and he wants an honest opinion, because he does not trust his eye with matching colours.
My problem is that since I am a woman, everybody assumes that I act like one! I NEVER did. Maybe that is why I can much better have conversations with men who are not trying to say something just to please me. Men trying to please me just get me very irritated.
I could make generalisations like that also. I hope you Tina cover the followings issues in your article:
Many thanks to him for that. He is a very corageous man…
1) How do you get your husband listen to what you have to say?
I have learned that men are unable to have two or more tasks at the same time and that is why I have to ask first if the man is listening. Usually it takes some time before I get an answer for that question. If however he happens to be mentally available, he gets irritated by that question!
2) The man’s similar behaviour of seeking affection is the unableness to find anything! First of all, if something is missing it is my fault regardless what the item is. When I suggest where to find it and give the exact location it gets the man there, with lots of mumbling and noise and after 5 minutes he states that it is not there. At that point I have to go to the scene. I find a man beside a closet, the item just in front of his eyes and he claims that he does not see it. And I have a son too, who does exactly the same. My daugter never has done it. This is something that is driving me nuts!
3) How to make other men keep their mind open and not regard me as a woman first but a human being. I still have men among the neighbours who are amazed by “how a woman can make such an intelligent remak, when I did not figure that out” or “how is it possible that a woman can park a car on the first try on such a small parking space”
Those are things my husband never does, he knows me and what I am capable of
Well, there are lots men who listen first and then make the judgement, but seriously someone should write an article about how to handle men without having to become their slaves!
Hi Leena,
Please don’t take it too seriously. An article as such is meant to be entertaining at the same time informative. There’s some generalization, it does apply to a good majority; but I also agree I have met ladies who are exceptions, like yourself.
I have a matured audience group, and I’m sure that the readers is able to recognize and distinguished what the generalization are and what’s the relevant tips to take away; it’s all in good spirit and humor.
Your comments about men are valid, especially about our inability to listen and handle multiple conversations at the same time. I once felt defensive about it, but I have learned to accept the way we men are wired. My wife has also learned to accept it.
I guess that’s the key point I’m trying to advocate here; a successful relationship needs both parties to recognize the differences and accept it.
I see you have accepted your husband and your son as they are, haven’t you? But of course, there’ll always be exceptions. I agree.
Tina, if you are reading this, you’ve got to thank Leena. She’s just provided you some valuable materials for your next article
I admit that this goes for a vast majority. You just happened to pick a topic I have to comment always.
I added my “comment” in http://conceptisaddict.blogspot.com/2007/11/men-vs-women.html
Great post Lawrence - and laid out very nicely the key points. Your article will be a great pointer to the communication between the sexes. And good on you for having the courage to spell it out too, this area can be a bit daunting.
Thanks Albert,
Well, topics as this can indeed be a little controversial. But I’m glad I have only received constructive feedbacks so far.
A nice article, Lawrence, but there’s something I think you may have left out. If you really want to converse well with a woman, you also have to remind her every once in a while about the way YOU speak, and how it’s different than what SHE expects. It’s not just men who misunderstand women… it happens the other way around just as often.
I know you already linked to two of my articles, but there’s another one that’s relevant, and you may like, but is a bit older:
Communication - Men VS Women
Hi Jason,
thanks for the additional contribution.
About the gap you mention, it is deliberately left open as I don’t believe I can fairly represent the ladies in stating their point of view about how men are wired.
Nonetheless, I am very glad that Tina has volunteered herself to write a complimenting article talking about how women should communicate with men. I’m sure she’ll do a very good work of it.
Oh I can’t tell you how many of the things you mention in this article apply to my relationship with my girlfriend. This is some useful information for sure! Thanks for providing your expertise Lawrence
Hi Rahul,
I’m glad that it’s relevant and useful. Happy to help.
Right on. My wife says, “Are you going to Wal-Mart?” What she is really saying is, “I need something from Wal-Mart. Go to Wal-Mart and get it for me. I’m busy and don’t have time. If you love me, you will do this for me.” That’s what 31 years of marriage has taught me!
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Hi Ralph,
I see 31 years of marriage has trained you well in the art. Kudos!
Nice article…indeed communications between us guys and the ladies can be challenging. Thanks again.
Thanks Keith, you’re welcome.
You should take a look at “You just don’t understand what I mean…” by Deborah Tannen to get a better understanding of both sides of the conversation. http://raysweb.net/poems/articles/tannen.html is a number of examples from the book which illustrate the difference in communication styles. That all being said, I’ve got to agree with Leena’s sentiment. I don’t think any of these authors does a good job of really making clear that these conversational styles are not really so distinctly tied to a sex as the authors make them out to be.
Hi Anon Amos,
thanks for the recommendations. I will take a look at them.
Like my reply to Leena, and I agree with you, that these are just generalizations. They are not absolutely tied to behaviors of either sex.
hahahahahahahahahahahahah…..
This kind of reminding about how much I quarreled with my girl friend. And you know what? most of the times they start from a simple statement which I think is not very important but means a lot to her.
She always want me to say I love you for most of the time, while I’m thinking I don’t have to say that much haven’t I show you enough that I’m trully love you. that’s one of the example sir
Hi, I find here a great solution of typical question of women….
there was a question of “why can’t an artist living on a desert island continue to produce art work? in the article there was a sentence of “I have sometimes heard painters say that they work “for themselves….