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I once attended a seminar by John Gray, best-selling author of Man are from Mars, Women are from Venus. John shared with us how man and woman are wired differently from a psychological perspective, and therefore communicate in very different manners.

During the seminar, John asked for two married man as volunteers; David was married only for 3 months, and Peter was married for 12 years. John asked both men the following question:

John: “Let’s say there’s one evening where you are going to attend a formal dinner or function together. You are dressed in your suit, reading the newspaper while waiting for your wife to doll up. She appears at the doorway, dressed in a fabulous pink gown. Your wife holds up two pair of heels; one white, one pink, and she says, ‘Honey, which pair of shoes looks good on me?’ What do you say?”

David (3 months married): “I will say choose the pink one.”

John: “Why…?” (Throwing naughty glances at the audience)

David: “Because it matches the color of the dress.”

John: “Wrong answer! (Turning to Peter) What would you say Peter?”

Peter (12 years married): “I will say ‘You look fabulous in any of them, Honey’”

John: “Correct!” (The audience burst into laughter and applauded Peter’s answer…)

HANDLING WOMEN’S QUESTIONS – MEN’S FRUSTRATIONS

The challenge between man-woman communications is that we don’t appreciate the differences between man and woman. The tendency is to expect the other party to communicate the way that we do. So when the other party fails to communicate on a similar wavelength, there is a lot of potential misunderstandings and frustrations.

Handling women’s questions is one such common frustration for men. It seems that no matter what answer we give, it doesn’t satisfy our lady.

In the above example, no matter which color David chooses, his wife will say “you mean I don’t look good in the other color?” Either answer sets us up for a tough situation.

That’s because you have not learned the art of handling women’s questions, which is what I will touch on today.

MEN AND WOMEN’S APPROACHES TO QUESTIONS

Men have a tendency to approach a question with a solution. To men, a question is a problem that’s begging to be solved. So the natural inclination is to find the most logical answer to the question.

If you are a man, this is a deadly inclination that must be corrected if you want to leave good impressions with the women in your life.

Women approach questions differently. When women ask a question, they are not necessarily seeking an answer. Women may also use questions to:

• Seek appreciation and assurance.
• Make an indirect statement.

I will elaborate on each briefly.

SEEK APPRECIATION AND ASSURANCE

Back to John Gray’s example, do you think that the wife is really interested in her husband choice of shoes? Of course not! In fact, the wife has already made up her mind about what she wants to wear.

On a special evening, any women will want to look fabulous. By asking about the shoes, she’s actually expecting her husband to check her out and shower her with compliments about how great she looks. If you read between her lines, the real question is this case should be “Honey, do I look great?”

By asking a question, it doesn’t mean she has no answer. She usually has; but she may not be very sure about it. So she asks a question to confirm, but not in a direct way.

Women are not as confrontational as men usually are. By using direct questions to ask if you agree with her, it’s easy to end up in an agree-or-disagree kind of confrontational position.

So she circumvents it by phrasing it as an indirect question which asks for your opinion, instead of asking if you agree with her.

MAKING AN INDIRECT STATEMENT

Woman also uses questions to make indirect statements. The motivation for this is the same; avoid a confrontation stance that direct statements usually bring.

This is something that I learned from my wife. The following typical conversation between me and my wife will illustrate my point.

Wife: “Darling, what are we having for dinner, Chinese or western?”

Lawrence: “Let’s have western meal.”

Wife: “What about Chinese meal?”

Lawrence: “I prefer western.”

Wife: “You want western meal. How about Chinese?”

Lawrence: “No, western is good.”

Wife: “Are you sure you don’t want Chinese meal?”

At this point, most guys will go crazy and start pulling your hair. You said you want western meal and you have even repeated the answer; why is she still asking the obvious?

That’s where you don’t understand women. You see, in the first place, she already has a preference in mind. She wants Chinese meal! When you state western, she uses a question to make her point known while avoiding a direct disagreement. At the same time, she’s hoping that you’ll be smart enough to get her hint.

However, most guys just don’t get it, and ends up thinking that women either have hearing problem or they are plain stupid. Now, see who’s really the stupid one?

THE ART OF ANSWERING WOMEN’S QUESTIONS

Handling women’s questions skillfully is more of an art than a science. Like all art, it takes some experiences to get good at it (that’s why men who are married for many years usually fare better). However, the following points should get you started onto successful communications with women:

1. Understand that men and women are different - I hope that you understand this by now. Otherwise, what have you been reading?
2. A woman’s question does not necessarily need an answer - suppress your urge to throw the most logical and direct answer back at her. Suppress the urge to make her understand you. Understand her first. It’s not about you, it’s about HER.
3. Understand what she is really trying to ask – You have got to be sensitive to what she is saying and not saying. Read between the lines and listen for the REAL question:
   • Pay attention to her emotional state.
   • Pay attention to her non-verbal cues like body language, voice tone.
   • Pay attention to her reactions to your words.
4. Phrase your answer and reply accordingly OR throw a question back at her to elicit more information.
5. Repeat steps 2 to 4 until she knows you understand her. You’ll know it when you reach that stage. It’ll manifest in many forms; a kiss, or a hug, or a wink, or a smile… get the idea?

It seems like a lot of steps, but essentially it’s just one thing: pay attention to her. If you pay enough attention to her and raise your awareness about what’s going on in the conversation, all the non-verbal messages and signs will start making sense to you. It’s not that difficult, really.

END MEN’S FRUSTRATIONS – TACKLE THOSE QUESTIONS LIKE A TRUE GENTLEMAN

Good communication is the foundation for good relationships. As difficult as it may seem, the art of answering women’s questions is actually quite straightforward once you are trained in the art.

End your hair-pulling frustrations about tough questions and why women don’t understand your straightforward answers. Do this by understanding them first, and become a gentleman that every lady will enjoy a conversation with. Raise above the crowd and shine like a star.

Men, send this article to your guy friends and end their frustrations today.

Women, if you are reading this, wouldn’t it be good for your man to understand what you’re asking? (Forward this to your man today)

RECOMMENDED READINGS:

• 5 Tips for Empathetic Listening - LifeHacks.org
• How to Really Listen To Someone - Think Simple, Be Decisive
• 8 Ways to Show Your Husband You Love Him - A Miracle A Day
• How To Make Your Relationship Unshakable - 7 Pillars Of Strong Relationships - A Miracle A Day
• 8 Keys to a Happier Marriage - ZenHabits

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