6 Essential Tips To Reacting When Your Man Shuts Himself Away
November 20, 2007
(Photo by KoAn)
Ladies, have you ever wondered why your man sometimes just draws a distance from you and lock himself up emotionally? He does not want to spend time with you, is easily distracted and when you ask “Honey, are you alright? Is something bothering you?” He simply says “No, everything is fine.”
However, all the signs tells you that something is NOT right. He’s not the usual understanding and loving self anymore…
When this happens, wild thoughts starts running in your mind:
- Did I do or say something wrong?
- Is he angry with me?
- Is there a problem with our relationship?
- He doesn’t love me anymore?
You may also feel guilty or fearful about hurting him unknowingly. As such, you pursue and ask more questions, hoping to probe the answers from him. However, the more you probe, and more he draws himself away. After a few attempts, you start to feel angry about his unwillingness to communicate.
I also have this tendency to shut myself up sometimes, and it took my wife and I some time to understand what’s going on and work it out. A lot of times when I shut myself up, I wasn’t aware of it or the effects it had on my wife. It was only after many years of dating and reading about relationships that helped us to understand what is really going on from both perspectives.
Here are 6 tips to help ladies react when your man shuts himself up:
- Nothing is wrong with you or your relationship - when a man shuts himself up, it can be due to various reasons; but most of the time, it’s not about you. Men often approach problems in a logical manner. When faced with a problem, we like to face it upfront, talk about it and resolve it. Some ladies may misunderstand men’s withdrawal as a sign of problem because that’s how ladies act when they are angry with someone, you draw yourself away.
When I am angry with my wife, she knows it all the time. I cannot hold a problem, be quiet about it and simply withdraw. I like to face the issue and address it as soon as appropriate.
Hopefully, this helps you to view men’s withdrawals more objectively, knowing that it has nothing to do with you.
- Men need to recharge - So why do men shut ourselves up? For various reasons:
- To think over an issue - when I’m feeling negative, I also like to shut myself up to get over the negative feelings and rationalize the way that I feel. In such moments, I really need to be alone. I am not emotionally ready to engage in any meaningful communication with my wife until I sort myself out.
- To have personal space - sometimes, I simply need the time alone. For example, whenever I blog, I really need to be with myself to connect with my thoughts and emotions. At such moments, I shut the world out and be alone with myself.
- To recharge emotionally and mentally - whenever I face stress from work, I like to go to a quiet corner and recharge; I just keep to myself and let my thoughts wander. It’s a very relaxing experience for me.
-
He will be back when he’s ready - when men shuts ourselves away to recharge, we’ll always come back. Once we feel recharged, we can continue to be give the attention that ladies desire. We are also ready to talk. Nowadays, my wife knows that if something is bothering me, and I’m not ready to talk, she’ll give me the time to ponder over it. She knows that as soon as I have sorted my thoughts out, I will also be ready to talk to her about it.
Sometimes, during my period of withdrawal, I start to miss my wife and that in fact helps to rekindle the loving feeling when I’m recharged and goes back to my wife.
- Don’t ask him to talk - when men need to withdraw, we are not ready to talk. Whenever I’m in recharge mode and someone tries to engage me in a conversation, I have stop recharging as I have to focus on the conversation. This is in fact detrimental to my recovery as I am simply not ready to talk.
- Give him time - we need you to give us time to recharge and recover. You may wonder how long is required to recharge. Well, there’s no standard answer to this; it really varies depending on the situation. It can last from hours to sometimes weeks. For myself, I seldom need more than a couple of days, but I cannot say the same for every men.
I recommend that you develop a cue with your man so that he can use it to indicate that he is in recharge mode. For myself, whenever I need to recharge, I would close the study door and my wife will know not to engage me in conversations during this period. When I open the study door, it’s a clear indication that I am done.
- Welcome your man back - Before my wife and I understood the need for men to recharge, I often felt bad about my own withdrawals. At times like this, my wife has always been very supportive and made me feel welcomed by showering me with love and understanding. This helped me to recharge fully without worries. I grew to appreciate her understanding and it helps me to love her more.
If you want your man to love you more, the best way is to welcome him back with love and understanding. It’s a very disarming move and it’ll help your man to open up even more. Who knows, he’ll start telling you about the reasons for his withdrawal.
Do you have other ways to handle your man shutting himself up? Please share with us in your comments.
Aaaah, the man and his cave …. yup, I’m familiar with that one!
I have learned to remember not to take it personally. If my husband comes home from work cranky and taciturn, I just leave him alone. It’s not about me, so I just let him be. And if it IS about me - well, I can’t read his mind, and I consider it his responsibility to share with me what is bothering him when he’s ready to do so.
But, gentlemen, there are limits to how much “cave time” we can take. You need your cave, and we need to talk. So make sure to take care of your lady by truly connecting through open conversation when you’re ready to return.
Good article, Lawrence!
Blessings,
Andrea
Ah… an enlightened Venus, Andrea
Good point on how much ‘cave time’ you can take. However, I noticed that the more understanding and post-recharge communications you have with your man, the lesser time he’ll take in subsequent cave sessions.
The open communications after the recharge is critical to this.
Over time, my wife’s understanding helped me to open up more to her. So during subsequent withdrawal sessions, I will sometimes feel like talking to her about it, and that’ll help to make me leave ‘the cave’ faster.
I am starting to feel odd…
My husband is not to be disturbed when he is reading his newspaper or browsing the net, but that does not actually count.
I am the one who has to hide in a cave.
The chapter “To think over an issue” is so much like me. I can’t talk to anyone about something I haven’t worked out myself first.
Hi Leena,
It’s not odd.
Reading newspaper and browsing the net can be considered cave time as well. It’s simply time to be with himself or to do the things that he likes (but can’t do with you). Another example would be having boys’ night out, where your man just hang around with guy friends, watch football, or have guys’ talk.
The way to handle this is again open communications. Let him know you understand his need for time for his own activities. Also let him know that you need your portion of his time for companionship and love.
It’s amazing, because when you give, sometimes you get more in return. As your husband feels your understanding to his need of personal time, he’ll want to make it up to you by returning and giving you what you need.
Oh yes, some women do need time on your own as well. I’ve seen some women like that, and it seems you’re one of them.
However, most women’s common emotional outlet is to talk through it. Either way is fine, you are what you are.
What’s more important is that you and your man both know what each other need and can strike a balance about it.
My 2 cents worth…
Well Written Lawrence:) Men and women are indeed same creatures with different problem-solving approach.
Hi Onehubster,
thanks for the encouragement, and welcome to A Long Long Road!
Nice stuff again Lawrence, I’m really enjoying your relationship material. Didn’t realise you were married, you look so young in your pics!
Haha Albert,
Thanks for the compliment, it’s quite a surprise as I never really considered myself good at writing relationship stuff
And also thanks for the compliment about looking young. I wish I am as young as I look, but years fly by quickly and I am already in my 30s.
Man…I would have thought you were the same age as I was! What’s your secret? Moisturiser?
haha!
Ha! Moisturiser? Goodness Albert, you have just made my secret public info!
But seriously, it’s either genes OR the positive and balanced outlook of life (so cliche). You can choose to believe if it’s either one.
I like how you first include the thoughts that the woman is going through and then the needs of the man. I think it’s important for the man to understand a woman’s insecurities and it is important for a woman to understand that men work out their problems in their own way.
Hi Dark Sociologist,
Interesting name and welcome to A Long Long Road as well.
You have correctly identified my intentions in this post. Men do need to understand women’s insecurities so as to improve their relationship. Helping men make sense of women’s behavior helps men to be more understanding and empathetic.
Kudos on your sharpness!
Staying true to my obscurity and cockamamie intelligence, I probably speak for all men when I say… “Lawrence, are you out of your mind?” Why are you giving sensitive information and avowed “real men” secrets away? As a recently ordained priest of the Latter Day Dudes I hope that behind all these rather unmanly and effeminate suggestions is some psychology at work. After all, the ultimate objective is always that one thing that all of us men really want from our woman in the end (on the bed, kitchen counter, or trapeze I should say).
The other half of my wit says that “shutting one’s self” could be an indication of mild to severe “depression”, in which case could be a totally different thing. Depression does not discriminate age or gender. I’m not a shrink but I know by heart that when a love one or a friend is having problems and you can’t seem to reach out no matter how you try, it’s probably best not to keep badgering. Don’t keep asking what you can do to help. Just think of something appropriate and just do it. Silence is not always golden — warmth and caring actions are.
Thanks for this article Lawrence. You may sound like Dr. Phil at times but that’s what make you a great friend of the entire blogging world .
Hahaha… once again, you shine with your wits and humor, Gil.
Thanks for adding that “subtle” touch to this post. And I didn’t realize that I sound like Dr. Phil, do I?
Always glad to be a great friend of yours.
Hey Lawrence,
Found your site through BlogRush and just wanted to say great article. Look forward to reading your other posts man
Hi Asitha, thanks for the kind words and a big, big welcome!
I certainly hope to hear from you again. If you have any topics that you like me to blog about, feel free to drop me an email on the contact page.
Take care.
Lawrence, after reading Albert’s comments in his Link Love, I decided to check out your blog. You do give great information on relationships. I will look forward to reading more. Have a glorious day.
Woah Patricia,
Your kind words and Albert’s are really overwhelming me…
Honestly, I have never considered myself a guru where it comes to relationship issues. My only reference points are my relationship with my wife (which is a pretty good one
) and some books that I read. So this is really much of a surprise to me.
In any case, I will give my best to share what I know and my thoughts on relationships so as not to let all my readers down. Thanks Patricia.
I think that my husband has probably taught me more about relationships than anybody that I know. We have been married for 35 years. I don’t think any of us consider ourselves as gurus. We are just offering up what we know about and hope that it helps someone else. Congratulations on a “pretty good relationship” with your wife. It takes committment to be willing to stay with someone and build a good relationship. Even in my age group of 50+, committment seems to have gotten lost in a lot of relationships. Now, I am sounding preachy even to me. Sorry about that.
Hi Patricia,
Thanks for helping me put this guru thing into proper perspective.
You’re right, we are all sharing our experiences based on what we know and hope that it helps someone else.
Thanks for clearing the mist of self-doubt
what about a woman and her cave?
what if a woman just shuts herself out and when asked whats wrong she says ‘nothing’…
nicely written article.
This article made me laugh so hard. Pathetic justification for an inability to communicate. If you are that uncaring and so emotionally stunted that you cannot tell your partner you need time to think and you just run off and hide, then you may need serious therapy.
Shutting yourself off is not a healthy way to deal with anything. If you can’t figure something out and you want to do it alone then tell your partner you need time to deal with something instead of leaving her to her insecurities. Yes, she is insecure because she is with a guy that doesn’t have enough respect for her to treat her with love on a consistent basis. She needs therapy too and someone to explain to her that this is not what a healthy relationship looks like.
Writing an article doesn’t make it true and any woman with an ounce of self worth would not fall for this bull when a man “retreats”.
Reading all the comments made me realize that I am so glad my husband and I are best friends and have such an open line of communication. He would never disrespect me or himself or our relationship by treating me with anything less than love. I feel the same towards him and I hope that any female that reads this article understands that it is not ok for him to run off and have “internet(beating it) time unless he tells you up front what he is doing.
First off, I would like to say great blog. I’ve just started reading and I love it.
I hope I’m not stepping on any toes, but I’m extremely offended by “Foofie”s post, and I’d like a chance to retort.
“This article made me laugh so hard.”
–Now, that’s just rude.
“Pathetic justification for in inability to communicate.”
–I do not agree with this at all. My husband lets me know (or sometimes it’s just very obvious) he needs some “him” time + my acknowledgment and acceptance of it = communication.
“If you are that uncaring and so emotionally stunted that you cannot tell your partner you need time to think and you just run off and hide, then you may need serious therapy.”
–Men’s alone time isn’t “running off and hiding.” Maybe that’s why you think this whole idea is absurd. You don’t quite get it. This statement could easily be turned around on the woman by saying, “if you are so uncaring and so emotionally stunted that you can’t accept that a man needs his alone time, you may need serious therapy” (I’m not saying that pointed toward you…I’m just playing devil’s advocate with that line.)
“Shutting yourself off is not a healthy way to deal with anything. If you can’t figure something out and you want to do it alone then tell your partner you need time to deal with something instead of leaving her to her insecurities.”
–I agree with you 100% here.
“Yes, she is insecure because she is with a guy that doesn’t have enough respect for her to treat her with love on a consistent basis. She needs therapy too and someone to explain to her that this is not what a healthy relationship looks like.”
–A bit of a hyperbole, I’d say. And this has nothing to do with the article.
“Writing an article doesn’t make it true and any woman with an ounce of self worth would not fall for this bull when a man ‘retreats’.”
–Arighty, you’ve just highly offended me. Let me just get this straight. I have no self-worth because I respect my husband’s alone time? That’s quite out of line, and incredibly ignorant.
“Reading all the comments made me realize that I am so glad my husband and I are best friends and have such an open line of communication.”
–Oddly, I felt the exact same way after reading the comments.
“He would never disrespect me or himself or our relationship by treating me with anything less than love.”
–That’s exactly how a man should act. We both are very very lucky to be blessed with such wonderful men.
“I feel the same towards him and I hope that any female that reads this article understands that it is not ok for him to run off and have “internet(beating it) time unless he tells you up front what he is doing.”
–That just made me sad. It’s quite obvious why you’re so against “alone time.” However, it seems that my husband’s alone time is a bit different than yours. (I’m not naive enough to think it never happens, but that’s surely not what we consider to be his “cave time”)
Again, I hope I did not step on any toes, I just felt the need to defend myself. Lawrence, you’re site is great! I look forward to reading more!
Autumn,
Not to worry, my toes are still intact!
I have no problem with my husband having alone time. I encourage it and I feel it is healthy. The article is describing a man that is in a sense shutting down and retreating from his relationship.
“Ladies, have you ever wondered why your man sometimes just draws a distance from you and lock himself up emotionally? He does not want to spend time with you,” This is not a description of someone that needs alone time. This is a person that needs help. I know you probably don’t want to spend every waking moment with your husband Autumn and quite frankly neither do I. Everyone needs some alone time. Everyone. A man that ‘locks up emotionally’ is someone that needs counseling to have a normal healthy relationship. The article basically says that as women we should just accept this behavior as a “guy” thing and be all hugs and smiles when they “return” from their hiatus of being their “usual understanding and loving self”. That is absurd. A husband should never have to take a break from being loving and understanding and the same goes for women.
I never said that a woman that doesn’t respect her husbands alone time is an idiot. However, if a man continuously retreats and does not show his partner love and understanding is either hiding something or is incapable of dealing with problems without shutting down.
Autumn, what you are describing is a husband that has his alone time and you being his wife are understanding of that time. I’m right there with you. This article is not at all about a normal healthy relationship where people have that. Please read the article again and you will realize that this is not about me slamming men that need alone time.
My husband has spends a good deal of time alone and has boys night out with his friends. The internet time I was talking about was something mentioned in a previous comment. Women seem clueless as to why men withdraw.
Incidentally, a nice little section of the article was devoted to our insecurities as women. How thoughtful of him! LOL If your partner is withdrawing in the way that Lawrence describes then I believe anyone would feel insecure. Mostly I would be concerned that he had some kind of mental illness or depression.
My entire point is that I disagree with the notion that being with a man that locks up emotionally and is no longer loving and understanding on a regular basis is not the woman’s problem. It’s not up to the woman to “understand” and accept this behavior.
Glad you have a happy healthy relationship Autumn. It’s rather nice and I feel blessed myself to have discovered what so many other people have yet to find. I’m guessing that our husbands alone time is probably very similar. Sorry if I put you in a position that you felt the need to defend yourself. My comments were obviously not intended for you or anyone that has a healthy relationship.
Best of luck,
Foofie
Lawrence,
As I dig through your older post, I really get amaze by the amount of knowledge you have. And you look pretty young.
This article give out great information. Keep up the good work.
All I can say is this is a great article, thank you very much for putting your effort into this matter
I have to agree with Foofie 100%. There is a huge difference between healthy alone time, and unhealthy alone time. My partner wants alone time when he feels down; he becomes unreachable and is unwilling to open up and express himself. For me, it signals that he is afraid of real intimacy. One can rationalise and legitimise this behaviour with statements such as “all men do it” or “that’s what men are like”, but does it make it healthy? Look at divorce statistics. It’s not really working, is it?
Wait until REAL problems and challenges hit the relationship and then you will see how negative and alienating this kind of emotional shut off becomes. It does not promote true communication and trust. I am in a relationship like this and I’m now coming to the point where I feel torn - I love my man dearly, but I’ve grown to a point, after 6 years together, where I can no longer dance around his timetable of smotional shutdown. He has glimmers of insight, where he can see his self-destructive, alienating behaviour, but then quickly retreats again.
What this blogger is describing is a delicate training process for his wife to dance around him. “I’ll communicate more and show you more attention if you don’t expect honest and open communication/true intimacy”. It’s a subtle form of emotional control.
If you think I’m wrong, then I believe it is too painful to see this truth. If you think I’m right, you’re emotionally mature and responsible.
I admit that I could be wrong - wisdom is about having the courage to admit that maybe, just maybe, you don’t quite know.
My man is going thru this cave time and its driving me nuts…i wish he’d come out so we can solve the problems together! anyhow, thanks for the insight.
I think my man is caving in his man cave too. But his behavior is supper odd and confusing as hell!
Well, 2 years ago I was 19 and I wanted a boyfriend at the time that I searched up guys on Myspace. I message this guy on Myspace that I really thought was cute. Back than I chated with him for 2 weeks. He moved to Florida from Ohio at the time to pursue his music career. He told me that he had an ex girlfriend that cheated on him and that he misses her since she’s been calling him to come back to her. So he went back to Ohio to make it work with her. That is when he cut all contact with me. I didn’t let it brother me for 2 years. 2 years later he sent me a Instant Message on Yahoo saying that he’s back in Florida and that he got a new job offer here in Florida. I was so happy for him. He told me that his girlfriend for 5 years didn’t work out. He was about to get married with this bitch! I’m glad that he finally saw her true colors since she cheated on him again when she was engaged to be married to him at the time; but now it’s over. He regret trying to make it work with her. If he didn’t went back to her, me and him could have been couples for 2 years. But now I have a boyfriend. My boyfriend and I are not working out, but I still wanted to make it work with my boyfriend. I told him I have nothing in common with my boyfriend. I told him things that I didn’t like about my boyfriend. He was very understanding about my situation. I told him I like a man to express himself to me. I don’t like when men hide their feelings or secrets from me. He said, “when you break up with your boyfriend, I would take you out to dinner.” I said, “OK :).” But anyways, now that I talk to him, me and him been really connecting on a higher level. I was being all spunky and flirtatious while I was chatting with him on yahoo IM. I was trying to turn him on by saying that i’m horny, that i’m changing my clothes, stuff like that to get him turn on. After the long convo, the next day I told him I’m feeling really horny right now that I will be masturbating tonight. He told me to get on webcam. He got on his webcam and I was like, “DAMN!” He’s freaking fine as hell! I got on my webcam and he started smiling. He wasn’t smiling before lol. I told him I wanted to see his dick. He said, “I would show you my dick if you show me your pussy.” I said “ok.” I said, ” in the count of 3, 1-2-3. We both showed our private parts at the same time, than we both started to masturbate on webcam. I took him about 15 to 20 minutes to finally cum. After that, he was telling me that he have work tomorrow and that it was nice talking to me again and that he will be dreaming about me tonight. I said, “ok baby, I will talk to you tomorrow.” I told him,” what time you get off from work?” He said,” I gets off from work at 6.” So the next day I waited on him to show up online on yahoo messenger. He didn’t showed up, so I started to worry a little. The next day he showed up online. I hit him up to chat. I told him, “How was work? How did you day went?” He said, “His day went bad.” I said, “How come your day went bad??? Do you want to talk about? He said, “Not really.” He said that he have a lot on his mind. He said that he have to about get a house, he have to work, he have to do this, he have to do that. He said, “I don’t know what to do.” He said, “I have a lot on my plate right now and that he won’t be on to chat with me until he gets his situation straighten out.” I was very understanding. I wasn’t clingy at all. I was very supportive on his decision. After that talk, he said he have to go. After he went offline which he was really on invisible. I know he put himself invisible on yahoo because I checked on http://www.invisible.ir/ … That is a site where you can check to see someone’s status on yahoo messenger.
I went on Facebook just to check out his photos again, all of the sudden I couldn’t find him on my list. I started to panic. Once I couldn’t find him on my list, I search up Scott on Facebook search. Once I found him, I click on his picture, and I found out that he did deleted me off his facebook. I left a message on yahoo IM saying, “why you deleted me on Facebook?” 1 minute later he appeared online on yahoo messenger. He typed back saying, “You not the only person I deleted off of Facebook. The only reason why I deleted you and my friends because I know they would distract me. I do not want to be bothered.” He says he doesn’t know how long he would come back, but he will when he’s ready. So I told him, “I know what you going through, it’s hard, I know. I said, “If you need any advice, you can contact me and I would be there.” I told him, “whenever you feel better, you can add me back as a friend on Facebook.” I was extremely supportive. He kept saying, “Thank you, I appreciated. Thanks for understanding.” I said you welcome. Today I feel like there is no hope between us. Do you think his behavior is werd? Why is he acting this way??? I’m very confuse. The things that are bothering him really isn’t a big deal. Have you ever done this to someone when you going through a rough time?