Aaaah, the man and his cave …. yup, I’m familiar with that one!

I have learned to remember not to take it personally. If my husband comes home from work cranky and taciturn, I just leave him alone. It’s not about me, so I just let him be. And if it IS about me - well, I can’t read his mind, and I consider it his responsibility to share with me what is bothering him when he’s ready to do so.

But, gentlemen, there are limits to how much “cave time” we can take. You need your cave, and we need to talk. So make sure to take care of your lady by truly connecting through open conversation when you’re ready to return.

Good article, Lawrence!
Blessings,
Andrea

I am starting to feel odd…
My husband is not to be disturbed when he is reading his newspaper or browsing the net, but that does not actually count.
I am the one who has to hide in a cave.
The chapter “To think over an issue” is so much like me. I can’t talk to anyone about something I haven’t worked out myself first.

Well Written Lawrence:) Men and women are indeed same creatures with different problem-solving approach.

Nice stuff again Lawrence, I’m really enjoying your relationship material. Didn’t realise you were married, you look so young in your pics!

I like how you first include the thoughts that the woman is going through and then the needs of the man. I think it’s important for the man to understand a woman’s insecurities and it is important for a woman to understand that men work out their problems in their own way.

Staying true to my obscurity and cockamamie intelligence, I probably speak for all men when I say… “Lawrence, are you out of your mind?” Why are you giving sensitive information and avowed “real men” secrets away? As a recently ordained priest of the Latter Day Dudes I hope that behind all these rather unmanly and effeminate suggestions is some psychology at work. After all, the ultimate objective is always that one thing that all of us men really want from our woman in the end (on the bed, kitchen counter, or trapeze I should say).

The other half of my wit says that “shutting one’s self” could be an indication of mild to severe “depression”, in which case could be a totally different thing. Depression does not discriminate age or gender. I’m not a shrink but I know by heart that when a love one or a friend is having problems and you can’t seem to reach out no matter how you try, it’s probably best not to keep badgering. Don’t keep asking what you can do to help. Just think of something appropriate and just do it. Silence is not always golden — warmth and caring actions are.

Thanks for this article Lawrence. You may sound like Dr. Phil at times but that’s what make you a great friend of the entire blogging world .

Hey Lawrence,

Found your site through BlogRush and just wanted to say great article. Look forward to reading your other posts man

Lawrence, after reading Albert’s comments in his Link Love, I decided to check out your blog. You do give great information on relationships. I will look forward to reading more. Have a glorious day.

I think that my husband has probably taught me more about relationships than anybody that I know. We have been married for 35 years. I don’t think any of us consider ourselves as gurus. We are just offering up what we know about and hope that it helps someone else. Congratulations on a “pretty good relationship” with your wife. It takes committment to be willing to stay with someone and build a good relationship. Even in my age group of 50+, committment seems to have gotten lost in a lot of relationships. Now, I am sounding preachy even to me. Sorry about that.

what about a woman and her cave?

what if a woman just shuts herself out and when asked whats wrong she says ‘nothing’…

nicely written article.

This article made me laugh so hard. Pathetic justification for an inability to communicate. If you are that uncaring and so emotionally stunted that you cannot tell your partner you need time to think and you just run off and hide, then you may need serious therapy.
Shutting yourself off is not a healthy way to deal with anything. If you can’t figure something out and you want to do it alone then tell your partner you need time to deal with something instead of leaving her to her insecurities. Yes, she is insecure because she is with a guy that doesn’t have enough respect for her to treat her with love on a consistent basis. She needs therapy too and someone to explain to her that this is not what a healthy relationship looks like.
Writing an article doesn’t make it true and any woman with an ounce of self worth would not fall for this bull when a man “retreats”.
Reading all the comments made me realize that I am so glad my husband and I are best friends and have such an open line of communication. He would never disrespect me or himself or our relationship by treating me with anything less than love. I feel the same towards him and I hope that any female that reads this article understands that it is not ok for him to run off and have “internet(beating it) time unless he tells you up front what he is doing.

First off, I would like to say great blog. I’ve just started reading and I love it. I hope I’m not stepping on any toes, but I’m extremely offended by “Foofie”s post, and I’d like a chance to retort.

“This article made me laugh so hard.”
–Now, that’s just rude.

“Pathetic justification for in inability to communicate.”
–I do not agree with this at all. My husband lets me know (or sometimes it’s just very obvious) he needs some “him” time + my acknowledgment and acceptance of it = communication.

“If you are that uncaring and so emotionally stunted that you cannot tell your partner you need time to think and you just run off and hide, then you may need serious therapy.”
–Men’s alone time isn’t “running off and hiding.” Maybe that’s why you think this whole idea is absurd. You don’t quite get it. This statement could easily be turned around on the woman by saying, “if you are so uncaring and so emotionally stunted that you can’t accept that a man needs his alone time, you may need serious therapy” (I’m not saying that pointed toward you…I’m just playing devil’s advocate with that line.)

“Shutting yourself off is not a healthy way to deal with anything. If you can’t figure something out and you want to do it alone then tell your partner you need time to deal with something instead of leaving her to her insecurities.”
–I agree with you 100% here.

“Yes, she is insecure because she is with a guy that doesn’t have enough respect for her to treat her with love on a consistent basis. She needs therapy too and someone to explain to her that this is not what a healthy relationship looks like.”
–A bit of a hyperbole, I’d say. And this has nothing to do with the article.

“Writing an article doesn’t make it true and any woman with an ounce of self worth would not fall for this bull when a man ‘retreats’.”
–Arighty, you’ve just highly offended me. Let me just get this straight. I have no self-worth because I respect my husband’s alone time? That’s quite out of line, and incredibly ignorant.

“Reading all the comments made me realize that I am so glad my husband and I are best friends and have such an open line of communication.”
–Oddly, I felt the exact same way after reading the comments.

“He would never disrespect me or himself or our relationship by treating me with anything less than love.”
–That’s exactly how a man should act. We both are very very lucky to be blessed with such wonderful men.

“I feel the same towards him and I hope that any female that reads this article understands that it is not ok for him to run off and have “internet(beating it) time unless he tells you up front what he is doing.”
–That just made me sad. It’s quite obvious why you’re so against “alone time.” However, it seems that my husband’s alone time is a bit different than yours. (I’m not naive enough to think it never happens, but that’s surely not what we consider to be his “cave time”)

Again, I hope I did not step on any toes, I just felt the need to defend myself. Lawrence, you’re site is great! I look forward to reading more!

Autumn,
Not to worry, my toes are still intact!

I have no problem with my husband having alone time. I encourage it and I feel it is healthy. The article is describing a man that is in a sense shutting down and retreating from his relationship.

“Ladies, have you ever wondered why your man sometimes just draws a distance from you and lock himself up emotionally? He does not want to spend time with you,” This is not a description of someone that needs alone time. This is a person that needs help. I know you probably don’t want to spend every waking moment with your husband Autumn and quite frankly neither do I. Everyone needs some alone time. Everyone. A man that ‘locks up emotionally’ is someone that needs counseling to have a normal healthy relationship. The article basically says that as women we should just accept this behavior as a “guy” thing and be all hugs and smiles when they “return” from their hiatus of being their “usual understanding and loving self”. That is absurd. A husband should never have to take a break from being loving and understanding and the same goes for women.
I never said that a woman that doesn’t respect her husbands alone time is an idiot. However, if a man continuously retreats and does not show his partner love and understanding is either hiding something or is incapable of dealing with problems without shutting down.
Autumn, what you are describing is a husband that has his alone time and you being his wife are understanding of that time. I’m right there with you. This article is not at all about a normal healthy relationship where people have that. Please read the article again and you will realize that this is not about me slamming men that need alone time.
My husband has spends a good deal of time alone and has boys night out with his friends. The internet time I was talking about was something mentioned in a previous comment. Women seem clueless as to why men withdraw.

Incidentally, a nice little section of the article was devoted to our insecurities as women. How thoughtful of him! LOL If your partner is withdrawing in the way that Lawrence describes then I believe anyone would feel insecure. Mostly I would be concerned that he had some kind of mental illness or depression.

My entire point is that I disagree with the notion that being with a man that locks up emotionally and is no longer loving and understanding on a regular basis is not the woman’s problem. It’s not up to the woman to “understand” and accept this behavior.

Glad you have a happy healthy relationship Autumn. It’s rather nice and I feel blessed myself to have discovered what so many other people have yet to find. I’m guessing that our husbands alone time is probably very similar. Sorry if I put you in a position that you felt the need to defend yourself. My comments were obviously not intended for you or anyone that has a healthy relationship.

Best of luck,
Foofie

Lawrence,

As I dig through your older post, I really get amaze by the amount of knowledge you have. And you look pretty young.

This article give out great information. Keep up the good work.

All I can say is this is a great article, thank you very much for putting your effort into this matter

I have to agree with Foofie 100%. There is a huge difference between healthy alone time, and unhealthy alone time. My partner wants alone time when he feels down; he becomes unreachable and is unwilling to open up and express himself. For me, it signals that he is afraid of real intimacy. One can rationalise and legitimise this behaviour with statements such as “all men do it” or “that’s what men are like”, but does it make it healthy? Look at divorce statistics. It’s not really working, is it?

Wait until REAL problems and challenges hit the relationship and then you will see how negative and alienating this kind of emotional shut off becomes. It does not promote true communication and trust. I am in a relationship like this and I’m now coming to the point where I feel torn - I love my man dearly, but I’ve grown to a point, after 6 years together, where I can no longer dance around his timetable of smotional shutdown. He has glimmers of insight, where he can see his self-destructive, alienating behaviour, but then quickly retreats again.

What this blogger is describing is a delicate training process for his wife to dance around him. “I’ll communicate more and show you more attention if you don’t expect honest and open communication/true intimacy”. It’s a subtle form of emotional control.

If you think I’m wrong, then I believe it is too painful to see this truth. If you think I’m right, you’re emotionally mature and responsible.

I admit that I could be wrong - wisdom is about having the courage to admit that maybe, just maybe, you don’t quite know.

My man is going thru this cave time and its driving me nuts…i wish he’d come out so we can solve the problems together! anyhow, thanks for the insight.