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How many times have you got yourself into a fix because you did not say ‘no’ to someone’s request? On the other hand, how many times have you regretted saying ‘no’ because you got into trouble by being too forward when rejecting a request? In either case, it seems that we’re on the losing end whether we accept or reject a request.

I, for one have found saying ‘no’ to be quite challenging. Logically, I know that I need to stay focus on my priorities; yet I still find myself saying ‘yes’ to things that I regret later.

Over the years of my working life, I have learned that it is not only important to say ‘no’, but it must be said with empathy to be heard and accepted. With experience and tact, sometimes it’s possible to reject or move away from a request without having to say ‘no’ directly.

PAYING THE PRICE FOR NOT SAYING ‘NO’

In my work on project management, one constant challenge was handling clients’ change requests i.e. handle additional requests beyond initial agreed scope. When I first got into the role of project manager, I took the easy way out of acceding to most change requests blindly because it was hard for me to say ‘no’ to my clients.

Naturally, the clients were satisfied at first, but it was at the price of my team members’ welfare and support. Over time, the change requests became too much to handle, the dateline was drawing near and the project nowhere near completion. My team was overworked from the tasks piled up. I’m sure you can imagine the rude awakening to my clients when I failed to deliver as promised on the dateline.

In all my good intentions to impress and please, the final result was a great disaster with damaged reputation, lost clients and worn out team who will no longer trust my leadership.

On hindsight, it’s pretty clear what a dumb fool I had been. I had since learned and moved on, but the sad truth is that I can still see or hear similar stories very often in different aspect of life and work; stories of paying a higher price later because of one’s inability to say ‘no’ upfront.

WHY IS IT SO DIFFICULT TO SAY ‘NO’.

Psychologically, saying ‘no’ can be an awkward or even stressful situation for both the requester and the person rejecting the request. Nobody likes to find themselves in such situation for reasons below:

• Fear Of Disappointing Someone You Care About – If the requester is someone that you care about, like a family member, or a close friend; then you are inclined to say ‘yes’ simply for not wanting to disappoint and hurt him/her.
• Fear Of Negative Consequences – Such examples are quite common at work and in business. In this case, the requester is probably someone in authority or someone who has strong influence over your benefits e.g. a major client. As such, it’s natural to feel pressurized to comply simply to avoid jeopardizing your career advancement, or business prospects.
• Pressure To Conform – The term “majority wins” certainly holds here. Even though the majority may NOT be always right, the pressure a majority brings can certainly be too much to bear; such that most of us feel compelled to conform just to fit in. Saying ‘no’ to an already agreed upon group consensus makes you shine like a glaring light beacon; with all negative attentions in your direction.
• Guilt Or Indebtedness – I believe this to be one tough challenge when it comes to saying ‘no’. If you feel guilt or is indebted towards the requester, then there is already a natural obligation to comply with the request. Saying ‘no’ will make you seem ungrateful or even despicable, and not many people like such labeling.

SAYING ‘NO’ REQUIRES A ‘YES’.

As the above points and example clearly highlights, saying ‘no’ is no easy matter (otherwise you wouldn’t be reading this, would you? ) To learn to say ‘no’ effectively, you must learn to harness positive emotions to counter the negative emotions. You must have good clarity on your priorities in order to make an effective judgment. The questions below will elucidate my point:

• Recognize that when you agree to something that you do not want, you actually take time and energy away from your true priorities and goals. Will you be satisfied with living your life according to others’ expectations and dogma?
• You rather do something you are passionate about and/or believe in, than to conform or agree out of obligation/guilt/indebtedness, don’t you?
• Accepting a request is a promise to deliver. If you say ‘yes’ but fail to deliver later, then you incur greater disappointment and damages. This also reflects badly on your reputation and integrity. Instead of getting into such lose-lose situations, wouldn’t it be better off to just say ‘no’ in the first place?
• Someone who is respectable will respect you for your priorities. If you are afraid of disappointing someone you care, then surly he/she will return the care and respect you for what you are. If he/she is not showing you this respect, then is he/she worthy of this care and respect from you?

WAYS TO SAY ‘NO’ TACTFULLY.

Clarify Expectations - Sometimes a request comes your way because expectations of roles and responsibilities are mismatched. In such a case, it is better to question the reason behind such a request and clarify both parties’ expectations.

If your boss is expecting you to perform a task, which you feel is clearly beyond your agreed scope of duty, then having an honest discussion will help realign the expectations. Such discussions will help both parties to understand if the task is indeed within your responsibilities or not.

Such clarifications will help highlight your’s boss invalidity in his/her request; and most reasonable person will not pursue the issue.

Unmet expectations results in disappointments; Realign expectations that are mismatched and you may find the tense situation resolved without having to say ‘no’..

Even if you still end up performing the task which is agreed as out of your normal scope, the impression made is that you are providing an added value; which then works in your favor anyway.

Defer ‘No’ To Another Occasion - To make it easier for the requester to accept it, don’t say ‘no’ immediately. It is easier for someone to accept a rejection when he/she feels that you have given some thoughts before replying. A good way to give this impression is to suggest that you like to give the request some thoughts before replying.

In 5 years of client facing experiences, there have been many occasions which requires me to reject a request which is clearly out of scope or beyond our capabilities. Sometimes it can be tough telling the client ‘no’; no matter how logical the reason may be, there is usually an equally tough persistence from my client to counter-argue against the logic that I was presenting.

Instead of escalating the disagreement into a heated discussion, I have learned to acknowledge my client’s points and request some time to consider the request. Such a move alleviates immediate pressure to say ‘yes’; it also allows some time away to reconsider the validity and impact of the request, less negative emotional influences.

At the same time, by giving due considerations to my client’s requests and argument, I help them felt understood; which makes it easier to accept a rejection should that be my decision after the consideration.

It is not ‘no’ that is difficult to accept; it is the feeling of not being understood.

Explain Your Position/Commitments - Stating your commitments helps the requester understand your current situation, and hopefully that will gain you some understanding from him/her. It is an indirect way of saying ‘I love to help, but I’m really tied up, so I can’t’.

Once your position is understood, any respectful person will reconsider the request and seek to find a common ground without you having to say ‘no’.

Go Through A Third Party - Have someone who is in a better position and more appropriate to help you say ‘no’. The suitability can be due to better relationship with the requester or someone in authority; someone whom the requester trusts and has good relationship with. In doing so, you avoid a direct confrontation with the requester and gets the ‘no’ across in a less negative way.

There is one precaution I have to warn you about when taking this measure; under no circumstances should you put the third party into a difficult position through your request to intervene on your behalf. If your request seems manipulative, there is a good chance this move will backfire against you. Once again, having sincerity and a genuine cause for saying ‘no’ will get you the understanding you need.

SAY ‘NO’ FOR A BALANCED LIFE

With experience and a good sense of priorities, the above tips should help you in saying ‘no’ more effectively.

Learning to say ‘no’ tactfully in the right circumstance helps you stay focused on your priorities, without engaging the negative feelings or consequences that normally accompanies rejection; it is a prerequisite to having a good work-life balance.

One last takeaway I have for you is that no matter how sincere and tactful your approach to rejecting someone may be, there is no way you can guarantee the reaction that you get will be always be pleasant; as someone’s else reactions are clearly beyond your control.

What is more important is that you know why you said ‘no’, you have a good reason for the rejection, and that you have tried in good faith to put it across tactfully. With that in mind, you can always walk away with a peace of mind, knowing that your intentions and considerations are good.

This blog is about leading a balanced life focusing on career, relationships and money. You can read more about balancing your life here. These articles are written for you. If you find them useful, feel free to subscribe for regular updates as new articles are posted. It's FREE. :)