9 Tips To Maintain A Long Term Relationship
October 26, 2007
Photo by Gare and Kitty
The ultimate test of a relationship is to disagree but to hold hands.
- Alexandria Penney
I have been married with my wife for 3 years already. Prior to our marriage, we dated for 7 years. A relationship that has run for 10 years is long indeed. Looking back on this journey, it’s amazing that we’ve had less than a dozen arguments or a big fight within this long time and we’re still going strong 
It’s sad sometimes seeing couples bickering over mundane issues like, ‘where to have dinner’, ‘what color of furniture to buy’ or ‘where to go for honeymoon’. They’re really missing the bigger perspective of what’s truly important.
I hope these personally proven tips will prove useful in building a long term relationship with the one you love.
Grow Together - 10 years is a long time, and people can outgrow each other. Ideals, principles, values can change and divert, if not managed. That’s why people grow apart. Spend time together to talk about life, about what’s important to each other. Understand each other’s priorities. Growing together helps ensue you stay together.
Support One Another, Even When He/She Is Wrong - When it comes to the crunch, do you support your other half; or do you get critical and add to the load of negative criticism? It’s not about who’s wrong or right. It’s about showing care and support for the one you love. Everyone needs someone who believes in them, and to be behind them, for better or for worse.
Be Willing To Compromise, Even When He/She’s Not Making Sense - Sometimes you get into those grouchy mood, and you don’t make any more sense. Sometimes, it’s simply because you don’t like it, there’s no logic or reason. At times like this, would you rather have someone to hug you and say “let’s have it your way”, or do you prefer comments like “Why aren’t you making any sense?”
Listen and Understand - Do you seek to understand your partner or are you more interested in having it your way. Effective communication requires willingness on both sides to understand one another.
Be Present - Are you present or are you miles away? Do you “switch off” while your partner rattles on; are you always busy reading the magazine as she talks about her day. Maybe you often need to attend a conference call halfway through your dinner date. Usually, people can tolerate physical absence better, than having constant occurrences of having physical presence, but no mental presence. Be present, right here, right now.
Set Aside Time To Romance - As busy as we may be, find time in a year for holidays together. Find short breaks to rekindle the romance. Send one another short messages of love and concern. Love does need a little gentle reminder sometimes.
Forgive and Forget - Even when things do go wrong, when fights break out, learn to forgive; it’s not about who’s right or wrong. Then forget the fault, truly forget; no point resurfacing past misdeeds, no point crying over spilled milk. Instead, look forward to a loving tomorrow.
Know Who’s Truly Important - Ultimately, after all life’s hassles and tussles, who’s going to stick with you through this journey? Who’s going to love you when you’re old and useless? Who’s going to support you when you’re down and out?
Hold Hands - We have been together for 10 years, and we always make it a point to hold hands when going out together; and we will continue to hold hands until we’re old and gray. It’s such a heartening sight to see old couples holding hands, isn’t it?
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I don’t know why but suddenly I felt something gripped my heart, maybe touched I guess. I guess it is very hard to find another half that is willing to be coherent with you right?
All the points you set out above are required to give and take from both parties right?
Hi Wayne,
A working relationship definitely takes two hands to clap. Having said that, how we act, love, and care as an individual also contributes a lot to how a relationship works out.
When you give with your heart, there’s a good chance that the other party will give in return. Likewise, when you receive a truly giving heart, you’ll want to give in return.
These are all very good… and I like your writing.
Hi Jason, thanks for your encouragement.
Hey Lawrence,
What a down to earth tips that can be such an important reminder for relationships to last!
Cheers to your love and thanks for sharing it with us.
Hmmm…. Down to earth…?
Never really seen it this way. But thanks for the fresh take, Jacklyn. I’m glad you’d enjoy it.
You’re very welcome, Lawrence.
I see older folks as patients, and one couple comes to mind. They’re living at an assisted living facility now, and they still sit on the couch together and hold hands.
It is refreshing.
I have been guilty of wanting to be right. When my partner has been wrong about a situation outside of us, I have been quick to point it out to her.
How wrong of me!
The difficult part is steering your partner back on the right track if he/she is wronging someone else.
Todd, good point about the steering our partner back on track.
I have learned the best way (for me) is to influence through emotions, not through logic. I do this by showing that I care, that I really meant the best for her and that I will NOT force her to do anything that she is not comfortable with.
Even if we don’t agree, we know that we care for each other, and that is really important.
I have learned that neither of us has to be right or wrong. Sometimes, we just have to agree that we disagree and drop it. Some arguments are never going to be settled when you both feel that you are right. I realized that we can both be right or we can both be wrong at the same time. Our thoughts are different. Our point of view is sometimes different. It doesn’t make either of us right or wrong, just different. Compromise is a big deal. My husband and I are still married after 35 years because we are best friends as well as lovers. He has been my friend since before we married. We have a lot in common and we have some differences. We do some activities together and we do some separately. Neither one of us is clingy. We love and trust each other. Our marriage has always been important to both of us. Ten years seems like forever and ten years seems like just yesterday. I can’t believe our children are both in their 30’s, the same age as most of my new internet friends. Lawrence, I welcome your new friendship. Thanks to Albert for introducing us. As I have time, I intend to read more of your articles and since I like to talk, I will probably be leaving more comments as well. Have a glorious day.
Hi Patricia,
I am thankful for your friendship and I most certainly welcome your insightful comments. There’re so much wisdom and experiences from you that we can learn and draw lessons from.
I really, really appreciate them, so no need to be afraid of sounding long-winded, you’re not.
Lawrence, I forgot to add, these are really great tips. My husband and I use them in our relationship. When we were younger and our kids were small, we did a weekly date to keep the romance alive. Now that we are older, we still do dates but not quite as frequently.
One of the best pieces of advice my wife and I have ever received is to tell your partner what you need. It seems obvious, but what often happens is that one person wants something, but feels that their partner should know to fulfill that need without having to be told or asked. When the need goes unmet, bitterness and frustration ensues with one person being mad that their need wasn’t met and the other being angry because he or she was expected to read the other’s mind. This battle is a very common one faced by couples, but is such a easy fix. Just tell your partner what you need.
For example, sometimes when we’re walking down the street my wife will simply say, “Babe, I want you to hold my hand,” or every once and a while, “I would like it if you bought me flowers sometime this month.” This is probably shocking to some people reading this, who like me when I first heard it, are probably thinking, “where’s the romance in that?” The fact is, you have to trust your spouse enough to know that they have your best interests at heart and truly want to serve you, its just that all of us from time to time need some hints…no matter how long people are together its hard to consistently read your partner’s mind. Again, it may seem a bit mechanical at first, but I guarantee it will prevent thousands of fights and hurt feelings and enable you to maintain a long term relationship. Tell your partner what you need.
Camerson, I think I am going to tell my husband that I want him to buy me flowers sometime this month. It really is a great idea. So many of us go into relationships, especially women, with the idea that if he loves me, he should know what I want, what I like, the list can go on and on and on. None of us are mind readers. It is unfair of us to expect the other person to be.
Interesting conversation Cameron, Patricia,
I agree that we should just ask for something if our spouse is not “getting it”. Yes, we should understand each other, but I think we shouldn’t take it to the extreme of expecting your spouse to read your mind.
Being frank and open about your communications takes a lot of second-guessing out of the equation; there’s less stress and more energy to enjoy each others’ company.
Nice point, really nice.
Hi!,
Hello!,
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Remember each time that when evr there are issues they must be raised and disscused since forgive is define and therefore this is the major aspect of maintaining long term relation.