Letting Go Of An Unfulfiling Relationship
October 29, 2007
Photo by breezeDebris
Some months back, my friend Jennifer (not real name) filed for divorce. She and her husband met in college and had dated for many years before they finally decided to tie the knot. The divorce ended more than 10 years of relationship and times shared together. To our circle of friends, this came as a big surprise. After all these years, how could they end it just like that? What came as a bigger surprise was that a 3rd party had catalyzed the divorce; it was a scandalous affair. There was an outcry amongst our outspoken friends. The others quietly cast their judgmental eyes on Jennifer’s divorce and her new relationship.
As objective as I think I am, I must confess that I was guilty of jumping into such judgments initially. In an Asian culture, a divorce is still considered a social taboo by many people. The fact that Jennifer initiated the divorce because of an affair certainly didn’t help her, and added to negative judgments on her character and new relationship.
It would be easy for us to walk away from this episode labeling Jennifer as a frivolous woman. But then, would that be a fair or complete conclusion?
Recently I met Jennifer and noticed a glow in her; something she had lost gradually over the years, without us realizing it. She had regained her confidence that I last saw since college days. She was back to her confident self and full of live.
In fact, she’s found life in her new found passion, painting; a common interest for Jennifer and her new beau. Accordingly, he has been very supportive and encouraging in Jennifer’s pursue of her interests and passions. She is currently enriching herself attending courses that interest her, and seeking job opportunities which better matches her preferences.
Jennifer’s change in demeanor was a stark contrast to that of less than a year ago. She was stressed out and unhappy. She was worried and frequently lamenting about issues that were beyond her control. There was no glow, no sparkle; just a dull, resigned emptiness in her eyes. Perhaps her circumstances was holding her back from pursuing what she wanted to do. It was obvious then that life wasn’t going well for her, but we couldn’t really pin down the real reasons for her unhappiness.
On hind sight, Jennifer’s marriage was built on a weak foundation; A marriage based on little common interest, lack of emotional support and misaligned life aspirations. It seemed the only reason they had stayed together was purely because they had been together all these years. Then again, I have to qualify that these are merely my own interpretations and observations.
What I can vouch for is the 180 degree positive change in her perspectives about life. Jennifer’s renewed strength and confidence is apparent. I am glad to say that Jennifer’s life has turned around for the better. It is indeed heartening to see her blooming like a spring flower, to see that sparkle in her eyes when she speaks.
In this regard, does the label of a frivolous woman really matter? As family and friends, should we continue to stifle Jennifer’s growth and happiness with society’s dogma, and ask that she continue to lead the life she led, just so that she can be labeled a virtuous wife?
I am not an advocate of divorce or living a frivolous life. What I am advocating is having the courage to face up with realities, to correct past mistakes in our relationships, and move on to pursue our happiness.
Sometimes, we make mistakes in our life; we make the wrong decisions, especially in relationships. Should we continue to live with the decisions we made when we were young and credulous, and to live the rest of our lives with someone whom we realized is no longer a good match for us? Do you have the courage to let go of past baggage in your relationships, in pursue of your happiness?
I know that for Jennifer, the decision for divorce didn’t come easy. It was an emotional struggle. At that juncture in her life, with two different paths to choose, it wasn’t clear where each road would take her. Like all affairs of the heart, it gets very clouded sometimes; I guess the way to pursue your happiness will be to follow your heart, and having the courage to choose. In doing so, eventually, you will end up on the road of happiness.
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Good one. I totally agree that divorce is sometimes the best thing that can happen to all involved. I would even include kids in that. The two divorces two of my uncles went through were both far better for the kids than staying together would have been. In both cases the conflicts between the parents were affecting the kids a lot. When a decision to split had finally been made, after years of trying, the kids were better off. It has to be said though: these parents all chose to stay involved in their kids lives and didn’t (much) fight through the kids. One very troubled teenager even improved beyond recognition.
Katinka, thanks for another solid real life example.
I guess the question is not whether divorce is generally a good thing or not, but how the parties involved are handling the situation. In your example, clearly, the parties have handled it very maturely, with good honest communications, even to the kids involved.
Heart will change when we grow, it’s the matter of how we are going to maintain this piece of relationship.
Too bad they lost the love that they used to have but life is long and maybe another more suitable person is out there for the guy perhaps.
Hi Broken,
I do wish the best and happiness for the guy as well. Being a guy myself, I know it is not necessarily easier for a guy in such a situation. But like you said, we just have to move on to pursue a different happiness sometimes.
I think that this does not happen only in marriges built on weak foundations.
I have seen couples, like my parents, who had passion in their relationship till the very end. In most cases however the everyday life with it’s dullness and misshappenings slowly wears the passion of. Then all it takes is a new person who reminds of what passion is like to break the long lasting relationship.
I don’t think that sharing the same interests is necessary. I have found it very enrichening having different opinions. Same interests can even lead to a situation when the couple spends too much time together without having the chance to have any life outside the relationship.
I have been married for 30 years and I admit that sometimes I feel that life has lost it’s glory. I have had strong emotions towards other men sometimes, but knowing that the first glory will pass, I’ve never even considered having other relationships. I mostly don’t have the same interests as my husband and we even have different working hours. That is only good for the marrige which keeps fresher that way. If we saw each other 24/7, I think we would have divorced a long time ago.
I hope all the best for Jennifer, but I also hope this is not another relationship based on weak foundations. People have the habit of making all the same mistakes all over again. She is glowing because she is in love but what happens after a couple of years? The passions for hobbies can wear off, too. What if one day she notices that painting is not actually for her.
The fact that all the friends were surprised is not so very uncommon. A couple can have contradictions which they can conceal among other people. There are lots of examples of even physical violence when the friends are totally unaware of the situation. Sometimes emotional, verbal violence is even worse.
My message may seem a bit gloomy, but it is based on long life experience. I got married at the age of 21 which nowadays is not so common. I’ve had my share of difficulties but I know the solution is not to change the man. I am not against divorce but I think jumping from one relationship to another is not wise. As a woman’s point of view: the woman should find herself first and what she wants and what she needs from a relationship. After she is confident about herself, she can start building new realtionships.
Thanks for your valuable and honest take, Leena. I really appreciate you taking the time to present your opinion.
Your message does seem a little gloomy; perhaps a little passive in your approach towards certain issues as well. I have a humble question, which I hope you will not take offense or negatively:
‘Do you consider yourself happy?’
Lawrence, I am totally happy
I think this is just a cultural difference, we Finns are a bit gloomy in general.
Also Finnish women are not dependent of our husbands; we have lives and careers of our own.
At this point of life happiness consists of small things, good friends, happy moments with the family, kind words out of the blue. I have all that, even more than I could have imagined a couple of years ago when I had my middle-age crisis when children moved away from home.
I need my freedom to be happy. If I needed to share every interents with my husband, I could never feel free.
I am not sure what you mean by passive. Sometimes avoiding serious conflicts needs some passiveness. Otherwise small things can grow way too big.
Hey Lawrence, great article!
I love it. I love the human spirit aspect of it.
People get into relationships and often settle for all the wrong reasons. It’s sad, but happens so often. This has deep root in fear of being alone and fear of not being loved. I will talk about this on Wednesday, actually.
Here’s another great article on the topic by UrbanMonk: http://www.urbanmonk.net/141/love-and-aloneness-unravelling-the-ego-and-pride/
You’d like it.
Cheers,
Tina
Think Simple. Be Decisive.
Productivity, Motivation & Happiness
Thanks for the recommendation Tina. I will definitely check it out.
I think Jennifer did the right thing. However I do hope that she did try to rebuild the marriage first, as she came to realize that she was no longer happy. If one person is unhappy then it’s not good for the other person. I am not married myself but I do believe that when you take your vows that it is for the inevitable, “for better or worse till death do you part.”
I read once that an idea of a shorter term for marriage was being considered. I think it was 5-10 years, then if you are still happy you have your marriage renewed. If you’re not happy at the end of this time the marriage has run it’s course anyway, no need to file a divorce.
Personally I don’t like this idea. Marriage should be considered for life it is a commitment of life long love or maybe I am just old fashioned.
After long periods of time people can grow apart and change this really should be thought through thoroughly before walking down the aisle.
It also takes two people to make it work, it cannot be one sided. If Jennifer really did give it her all and was still unhappy, divorce is beneficial to both husband and wife.
My mother and father fought constantly when I was young and still have tendencies to argue, a love hate marriage of 28 years. My father would have affairs and drink heavily. My mother would often leave my father for a week at the most and return with out problems being resolved and the next heated argument would be worse. The atmosphere in the house was very up and down. My parents are still married and haven’t worked through problems properly, more have been added over the years. Love and dependency on each other has kept them together, I can’t honestly say that they are both genuinely happy.
I also know people that have been married for lengthy amounts of time and are extremely happy and very well matched so I have very mixed views about marriage itself. I do believe there is someone out there for everyone.
Jennifer showed true strength, when you love someone and have been with them for many years it is hard to break away even in your lowest point, to find true happiness for yourself. A cycle like my parents was soul destroying, like a constant test of manipulation with each other.
I do believe that when a decision of marriage or divorce is made then it should be considered very carefully and stuck to 100% there should be no room for doubts, no going back or regrets as life is too short.
Thats just my point of view
Thanks Kristie, I like your honest and sincere perspective. Your point about courage rings with me.
Thanks for taking the time to comment this .
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Well, nothing has been said at all about her ex-husbands feelings. How about the loss he felt and the betrayal of there marriage. I think this attitude of “if it feels good do it” misses the point. Who says he’s better off because the marriage is over, and how long before this “new” life of hers and love becomes the same old boring grind. Life isn’t about chasing fire flys its about dedication and duty. Two virtues liberals hate to hear. Maybe the marrage was wrong and there needed to be a divore but cheating and lying your way out is disrespectful of the other person and shows you what kind of character this women is.
Character is another nasty word liberals don’t like to hear.
You want out, the go, but don’t do it climbing over the back of an innocent person that is trying to help you and believes you still care.